Yesterday morning I was listening to five live while doing the housework, and somehow the controversy over David Laws hiding his homosexuality by swindling taxpayers out of over \u00a340K has turned into a discussion, headed by Iain Dale, about how hard it is to be gay and to come out.<\/p>\n
Undeniably it is hard to come out, especially to one’s parents. However, it should be equally hard to dishonestly acquire \u00a340K.<\/p>\n
That’s not really why I’m writing. The parting shot of the discussion, in which a young man said he had decided to tell his parents immediately before going away to university, got me very wound up.<\/p>\n
Ever since I was at school and several of my friends (ones for whom I had big romantic hopes, it might be added) came out – one of whom disappeared and then sent me a poignant “goodbye & thanks for all the fish” note, which REALLY pissed me off (does he know me *at all*??!?) – I’ve been passionate in my defence of equal rights for homosexuals. I nearly resigned a pretty good job when I found out that the company I worked for was withdrawing benefit rights for same sex couples (they were an american company: this was quite a significant change in benefits for the US colleagues it affected) except I resigned for other reasons before I could check my facts. Discrimination on these grounds generally gets me so cross & wound up I start hyperventilating. I’m working on that, because it makes me less useful in such arguments, but for some reason this issue speaks to me in a big fat loud voice.<\/p>\n
The final comment on this morning’s radio discussion (which, generally, was pretty well handled – I was just thinking that what it missed was a swivel-eyed loon declaring that the gays were all disgusting and Queen Victoria had the right idea when she routinely hung them all at dawn<\/em> when the final comment was made) was a young man who said that he thought he probably would tell his parents that he was gay, but would do so immediately before he went away to University.<\/p>\n As a parent for whom my children coming out would be no problem, I would find such a choice of timing extremely hurtful. My babies going away to university will be a difficult time – it’s hard enough when they go to nursery for the morning. To have this emotional time compounded by what my child clearly considers a bombshell would not be good. I would be denied the chance to show them that I accept them for who they are, that I’m OK with this, and that I just want them to be safe & happy. Plus, especially if it’s the last one to leave, I’ll be reassessing my role in the family, purpose in life, etc and to be told that I don’t know the child I’ve just spent the last 18 years rearing would be pretty unhelpful.<\/p>\n Having said that, if this happens, then I will have failed, because my children clearly don’t know me, and I don’t know them. I don’t routinely tell them at ages 4 & 6 that it’s OK to be gay, but at an age where they can understand what it means, I will be. If only to promote their tolerance of people they may know who are gay.<\/p>\n If I were a parent who wasn’t basically OK with the gayness, but who was willing to alter my mindset to accommodate my gay child, the bombshell on leaving would again be pretty selfish. It’s not being thrust in my face if they’re away at university, but at the same time, getting used to the idea will be so much harder. There’s an argument that says that this isn’t the child’s problem, but frankly it should be.<\/p>\n The only scenario in which the bombshell on leaving represents helpful timing is when the parental reaction is “You’re dead to me now”. In which case, well done – you judged that one right. I hope you’ve made accommodation plans for the holidays.<\/p>\n It just seemed like a wholly selfish decision, with no regard for his parents, made all kinds of assumptions about how they would react and was basically content with leaving them out to dry emotionally while he went off and built his new life.<\/p>\n I really hope that by the time Lily or Joel are old enough to know whether they are gay that our society is one more step towards tolerance which means that they are confident they can build a happy life for themselves, whatever their sexuality. I hope that they know they can tell me anything – I might be surprised, I might (if it’s stealing \u00a340K rather than coming out) be cross, I might be worried about the repercussions for a whole raft of reasons.\u00a0 And that whatever they tell me, I will still love them, and where they need it, will give them my help & support.<\/p>\n Treasury ministers bending the rules on parliamentary expenses to help them keep personal secrets I’ll deal with another day. Maybe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Yesterday morning I was listening to five live while doing the housework, and somehow the controversy over David Laws hiding his homosexuality by swindling taxpayers out of over \u00a340K has turned into a discussion, headed by Iain Dale, about how … Continue reading