Lily has been nagging me for months, ever since I mentioned their existence, to hand over the Sindy dolls I kept from my childhood. The time has come, it seems, for my toys to be handed over. A cupboard is no place for a toy.

Alice, Sylvia and Alan (the action man, not a transvestite Sindy) had been in storage for some considerable length of time, although apparently not as long as my school friends thought they should have been, as I remember being ribbed for still playing with them when at high school. Playing with them by then consisted chiefly of making clothes for them, but still. Ribbing and ridicule were mine, albeit briefly. I never admitted to *that* twice – what kind of masochist do you take me for?

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, the three of them emerged blinking into the spotlight again. I thought Joel might be keen on the action man, with his army gear & scuba kit. Apparently not, as he isn’t a super hero. He was labelled “rubbish” and left for girls to play with.

I should rewind here slightly. Alan was originally acquired in order to be a boyfriend for the (at the time) 3 Sindy dolls in the house. Quite frankly, given the choice between 1. a muscle man with swivelling hawk-eye vision who spent his days basically being James Bond and 2. someone who clearly drives a volvo, probably towing a caravan, and wears “slacks” before his 50s, there was no competition. He had a good life. He had several manly outfits – a sheepskin bomber jacket, a hand-crafted sleeveless fisherman’s vest (it was a made-up pattern. I wasn’t up to setting in sleeves at that scale), a demin shirt. And he had A LOT of sex. A lot. I refer you to the previous reference to James Bond.

So, when he was brought out of retirement and callously rejected by Joel, I felt slight disappointment but didn’t want to forcibly enforce stereotypes – he was handed to Lily. Who promptly suggested he could be a boyfriend for Alice & Sylvia. Which was quite spooky.

However, before he got to get back in the saddle (so to speak), it being bath night, Lily wanted to try out the scuba gear. And, disastrously, this happened.

It was really very upsetting.

Sticking a small piece of plastic on a similarly small piece of plastic inside Alan’s head is not something I think we can achieve, and I just know he wouldn’t be happy with no head movement. Our Alan is no Christopher Reeve, he’s man of action whom invalidity would just frustrate.

So Alice and Sylvia, rejected as well now on account of their missing hands and toes (they had a hard life, sue me), are destined to become the Hinge & Bracket of the storage cupboard. Until Lily or Joel have children who want to take them swimming…

Alan has been quietly disposed of. RIP.